Like it Rough?
So I get my kicks watching an OAP discuss forbidden sex topics, sue me! Before today I’d never heard of this woman. Props to MTTM for somewhat changing my life for the better. I have currently spent over 90 minutes finding out everything I can about this lady, for more videos from the darling Sue Johanson the Sex Educator come over to Lipstick Bullet NOW!
Bring Back Segregation
Way before Jigga preached ‘all black everything’ I was a firm advocate that black clothing triumphed over every other colour, in particular white. Let’s face it, there is nothing more tragic than a man in a white suit. (Except, a man in a white suit with white Velcro strapped, rubber soled shoes complete with white bow tie AND white bandana. Unfortunately I was forced to witness such a ghastly sight just recently). Ladies are equal offenders too. White Polyester (or Viscose) trousers complete with Visible Panty Line is not sexy or cool. However the problem with white clothing transcends tack. It’s the ever present problem of dingy, greying, yellow whites that really pisses me off. So much so that I aim to single-handedly eradicate it from the fabric of society!
The amount of dingy white offenders is huge. No matter how much style you think you’re popping, if your white tee is a light shade of grey, or your white bra is ever so slightly yellow, you need to re-evaluate your life. If you are unaware, then let me kindly inform you: the sight of discoloured white clothing is highly offensive! It conjures up the same sense of repulsion that guys with long finger nails or girls with muffin tops do.
So, how can you prevent yourself from such scorn? It begins with the sorting of your laundry. Only lazy, good for nothing, undomesticated scallywags shove everything into the washing machine at once. Any lady worth her Goddess stripes (equally any man too) knows that there is an art to washing. When you wash a white load it is ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL that you do not put ANY other coloured clothing into the machine. No marl, no baby pink, no white tops with big bright logos.
Once your machine is loaded, in goes two scoops of Vanish, three Persil tablets and lots of fabric conditioner (Lenor is my preference). Next put your cycle to wash on a minimum of 60 degrees and if you’re a dangargan (like myself) you’ll throw in a Glo White parcel for that extra bling blang gleam!
Although I believe London has turned into Narnia and the Sun is a thing of the past, a few optimistic suckers have informed me that 2010 will bring… ‘the hottest Summer since records began’ (excuse me while I roll my eyes). If by the beard of Zeus they are correct, then spare a little thought for the others this year and keep your grubby clothing clean. Thank you.
Words Kesi C
Oh Burt Baby!
I love Burt Bacharach. Some days its romantic love, other times I wish he was my granddad, but on most occasions I want nothing more than to be a close friend and question him for hours about his extraordinary art. Unfortunately Burt is 82 and therefore the chance of an amorous/intimate encounter, or even a platonic friendship is slim to none. His music however is a trustworthy staple in my life. On the days my ears crave complex melodies, stunning rhythmic patterns and a whole lotta love, Burt is hard to beat!
Not intending to insult anyone’s intelligence, but if you’re scratching your head wondering who on Earth this old white man is, then let me remind you of a few of his hits: ‘Magic Moments’, ‘Wives and Lovers’, ‘You’ll Never Get to Heaven (If You Break My Heart)’, ‘The Look of Love’, ‘Walk On By’, ‘Do You Know the Way to San Jose’ and of course the infamous ‘(They Long to Be) Close To You’. Genius in its purest form.
At a time when heavy basslines and distortion dominate most of the shit coming out of my speakers, Bacharach (ironically) offers a refreshing alternative to the ‘alternative’.
Words by Kesi Charles
Knocking The Hustle
It’s time Warhol got updated.
“In the future we will all have our fifteen minutes megabytes of fame”
Someone should have told Thug-Angel to keep her fifteen ’seconds’ fresh, unlike this:
‘Stay Up ‘Till 2am So We Can Watch Cheaters’
Everyday women across the globe are plagued with a seemingly incurable problem: Man. The fundamental problem is quite simple. The behaviour of males evades the rhyme and reason of women. (Whether women actually have rhyme or reason is another debate). Despite this technical glitch, I can’t help but to love men. All men. Rude, obnoxious, arrogant guys. Broke ass, trifin’ leeching dudes. Chauvinistic, lazy, wanksters too. There’s a place in my heart for them all. However, my favourite breed of man is The Cheating Man. Honestly TCM needs love too. What women fail to understand is that there is so much more to TCM than his sleazy ways, in fact the psychology behind TCM is incredibly romantic. Let me explain the big one, WHY MEN CHEAT.
Primarily, it is curiosity and an intense desire to embark on an experience that is different to what he is used to, hardly rocket science. You see, while in relationships women tend to bludgeon the part of their brains which reminds us that sex, romance and even love come in more shades than Dulux could ever cater for. MEN NEVER FORGET! EVER. For TCM, every aspect of a relationship with a women is radically and fantastically different from every one he has known before. (Even though to the naked female eye he appears to be moving from Heffer to Heffer).
Alas, it is absolutely crucial to note that TCM NEVER claims that one experience is better than the next. None are better, they are just different! TCM makes love not war. He loves his wife. Yup, even while hes shagging the milk woman his love for his wife never withers. What TCM is suffering from is the evil wrath of curiosity. He knows that he will never be happy until his curious thirst is quenched and hey, who wants to lead a life of eternal uhappiness? As mere women we can not even begin to understand this crushing force.
Another misconception of TCM is the idea that his actions are based purely on the Alpha Male Syndrome, Short Man Syndrome, I Can’t Belive I Can Get A Girl Syndrome or I’ll Mash Any Gash Syndrome.This is false. Similarly it’s not peer pressure or media persuasion which motivates TCM, nor is it the amazing sexual encounters. According to TCM himself, it’s the smell of her skin, the shape of her eyes and the touch of her hair ( all exceptionally different) that are embeded in his psyche and become part of his most cherished memories.
Can I get an ”awwwwwwww”.
So there you have it. TCM is a complex, gentle character. It takes a highly intelligent women to understand his needs. Cheryl Cole, Elin Woods, Hillary Clinton are fine examples of beautiful, powerful women who have embraced TCM and catered to his needs. And before you even begin to question TCW (The Cheating Woman), let me be blunt: Sket.
Words by Kesi Charles
